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10:18am 13/05/2003
  in the event that anyone actually reads this, know that im not trying to make everyone but myself out to be the bad guy. i did all of this to myself..


anyways..

why am i so fucking stupid? i honestly have a problem. most people would call it being submissive, or letting people walk on me. i feel like i've been nothing but used, and its my own fault. the girl i love, loves another more. starting to sound like a bad emo song? well, let me throw some drama into it for you. before they ever went out, she told me that she would never date this particular person due to many different circumstances. well, what she said would never happen happened, and my life fell apart. but the funny thing is.. she never let up with me. even when other girls show intrest in me, shes there to administer the fiery wrath of womanhood and scare them away. not that im complaining, by any means.. i just wish that i could take what she does for face value. that being "stay away, this person is mine." but, every time i get my hopes up, she lets me know that i should just go ahead and bring them back down.. nothing i do could cause her to be mine again. skipping ahead, she breaks up with her current boyfriend, and tells me that she doesnt want a relationship with ANYONE by ANY means. she goes on and on about how she wants to be alone, and shes better off not having a boyfriend at all. well.. yesterday, she came over to my house after waking up late for school, climbs into bed with me, and we sleep for hours and hours. well, she sleeps, i just kind of laid there with my arms around her, breathing next to her.. sharing the same area, the same breath.. and sharing what i thought was a love regrowing in strength.. but after she leaves, i let my jealousy get the best of me.. she told me she had to go home, but when she arrived she had an email from her ex boyfriend that was rather upsetting.. so she goes over there to see him and what not. she calls me back, but i was too stubborned to answer the phone, and the next thing i know.. they're going back out. after she told me again that she didnt want to be with anyone at the moment. i guess saying "i dont want ot be with anyone right now" basically means "i dont want to be with you again, ever." i should learn to read between the lines, haha.

let this be a lesson to all you guys out there that are in love with the girl that seems to make you so happy, and brings out the best person in you. or not.. i dont really know what you could learn from my stupidity.. shit. i havent even learned anything.

signing off.. because live journal is hellagay. but, i know certian people read.. thats the only reason i posted here.

-britton grant.		  
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